The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity Paperback – October 9, 2018

What can I say, a book every person should read. I decided to read the book after watching numerous interviews of Ester. Her thought process, reasoning and advice are all so enticing. You just want to binch all her material. The way she brings complicated relational issues to us, and how she delve deeper is mind blowing.This book is no different, her words fly off the paper and her reasoning and conceptualization of each couples delimma is absolutely beautiful. The way how she doesn't judge your wrongs but understand she is there to listen, delve deeper and help one make sense of the why.I am in no way in a marriage of infidelity but I know ppl who had gone through it, who had done it to their partners, who are being judge for it, and of whom had lost partners and yet they have no closure of the "why". I was one of those who would simply just judge someone who committed infidelity and see the partner as the victim, never thinking even in this story their are two sides to the coin and if we take the time to delve deeper we too would realize often time there is no victim because both parties have a part in what transpired. And this is the reason why I wanted to learn more about why ppl go astray, why we wonder or long for something different at times and what to do when that happens.I realized we are all just imperct human being, cheating is not just the physical, it is the emotional. Some of us cheat in our minds and that is also something we need to talk over and deal with. I certainly have found myself in the mind cheating sphere and this book really help you dig deeper and finding answers.This book is not only for those who committed infidelity or who had been cheated on, it's for everyone because we are all capable of infidelity in one form or another. The sooner you learn about it, the better you'll be able to understand and be less judgmental to those even yourself committing it.

There's a lot to love about this brave, bold, beautifully written and impeccably researched this book. It should be read by any one going through or recovering from an affair and by any one who is counseling a friend or loved one through the experience of infidelity--including other clinicians! I love how Esther brings a more nuanced, compassionate and less judgmental approach to this topic that is more commonly subject to vilification and endless judgment. It's very easy to blame and reflexively want to label who's right, who's wrong, who's good, who's bad, etc--but that often doesn't allow for much growth or greater understanding in a relationship which is a crucial path for maturing and expanding as a human being. Offering a refreshing, radically different perspective on love, desire, infidelity and more, The State of Affairs offers the means for many more people to become emotional grown ups. It's lovely to read how Esther brings her whole heart to this subject and her clients; it's the combination of her big heart and brilliant mind that makes this book super compelling and allows her to have such a dramatic impact on her clients. Thank you, Esther!

In this book, Perel presents her Ted-talk famous revolutionary ideas about infidelity, and it is certainly fascinating to go through them in depth with her. Her thinking is refreshing and intelligent, and also not dogmatic, as she soothes the reader: “this might not be for everyone”. At times, though, I found myself wanting more psychological facts in the book, those explanations that help us understand the roots of infidelity, the process, the resolution or solution thereof. At times, I also wished for it to be more solemn about the pain of the person who has suffered the infidelity. Yes, very often it might be that the ‘victim’ of the affair indirectly contributed with neglect, lack of attention or intimacy, etc. to the affair, but there are cases in which the ‘victim’ really gave the relationship a lot, and still there was cheating. I felt that the book is sometimes reductionist about the causes of an affair, which can make it hard for those that fall outside those definitions to draw insights from the book. However, overall, it is a great book to read to understand a much debated life crisis, and maybe see it under a different light. It is not necessarily a self help book, thus, I would not recommend it for someone straight after they have learned after infidelity, as the intellectualization of the topic might hurt a bit when one is in that initial pain.

Refreshing and insightful outlook on why people stray and how to overcome the guilt and damage left in its wake. Recommend to couples who are currently wading through that quagmire or couples that have never strayed to better understand their relationship.

If you have had the awful experience of infidelity in a relationship, you need this book. I am only halfway through it, but have underlined so many passages. I wish I'd had it earlier. It has been years and sometimes I still struggle with this. Movies, books, songs, chats with friends - affairs and cheating comes up constantly. You don't notice until you have been through it. You cannot just forget what happened and never think about it again. What I like about this book is the non victim angle. Yes, someone has hurt you and betrayed you in a horrible way. But reading this book had a calming effect on me instead of bringing up all of those feelings again. I did cry a few times reading it, but it made me feel better, not worse. And I liked the chapter on jealousy and obsession over the other person. A lot of books don't cover that aspect which makes you feel like something is wrong with you for having these feelings. I also really like the author's casual way of writing. Some authors are too formal and clinical and this is such an emotionally charged subject. I'd rather hear someone be blunt and not talk to me like a doctor. If you are going through this terrible thing, read this book. Whether it's been weeks or years since the discovery.